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You’ve all
seen those terribly twee “friend”
poems that you get in card shops and are almost
universally bought by females (not sexist –
but true). Here is a touch of reality with the
Real Leeds Friend Poem:
When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scummer who made you sad.
When you are blue,...
I’ll try to strangle the scummer who is
trying to choke the living daylights out of you.
When you smile,............
I’ll know we beat the scum home and away
(and you got laid as well)
When you are scared,.........
I will tell you to hold your nerve, and stop tossing
about, because the scum won’t equalise in
the 15 minutes of additional time that will be
played at the theatre of wet dreams.
When you are worried,.........
I will remind you of the horror of 6 championships
out of 8 for the Scum, that it can only get better,
and to quit whining.
When you are confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to you.
Like Win, Score, Goal, Smith, Batty etc.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until you’re well again,
I don’t want whatever you have, and we don’t
want you infecting the other 40,000 members of
the congregation at ER
When you fall......
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. Then
make you feel better by saying that despite the
4 inch head wound, you still don’t look
as ugly as Luke Chadwick or Martin Keown
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