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A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a
little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The
gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides
to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone
at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the
woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought,
"This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later,
she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked and the dog
and yelled, "Dam mit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even
think about it. She let rip a far t that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once
again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, Dammit Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!"
Embarrassed or what?! A competition was recently held to find out the most
embarrassing moments in people's lives. The following are the final four places.
Fourth Place While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she didn*t start behaving herself right now, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw
you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night !'. The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing ! I mustered
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The
last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
Third Place It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her piggy-back
ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time
to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on and a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family, aunts,
uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My
girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in state of shock and embarrassment
for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned
a surprise party again. Second Place A lady picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public
address system and boomed out for all the store to hear: PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of
the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks'. In a
very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system;
DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND THAT YOU BELT IN
WITH A HAMMER ? And the Winner Is ? This one actually happened at Harvard University
in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and
asked, ' If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male
semen, as in sugar?'. 'That's correct' responded the professor, going on to
add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked,
' then why doesn't it taste sweet ?'. After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of the class and never returned. However, as she
was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced,
he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for
sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat !
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her
friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of
going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too
embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how
it went?" Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again. "So, how did
the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed.
"We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain
he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and
buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude,
and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my
vag ina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his
pen is with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than
it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment
with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor
called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for
you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and
John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give
us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way
home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a
box of Cheerios......"
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse
when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't
it?" "No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo.? Why
just an hour ago it dragged a Man Utd Fan into the cage andcompletely devoured
him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying
there licking its arse?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its
mouth."
Whats 12" long and hangs in front of an arsehole? Alex Ferusons
tie!
Just a few tips...
1) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the F*****G thing
in the first place, you fat bastards.
2) Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning
her up and telling her.
3) Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue,
and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
4) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
5) Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry
a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
6) Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
7) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in
the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers
8) When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions
in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the
road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary.
9) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
10) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower. - L Christie, U.K.
11) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat
by simply pissing in the sink.
12) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit
of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they wont know any difference.
13) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd
no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.
14) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take
your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Calendars for both Arsenal and Man Utd fans! Click here
for Man Utd and here for Arsenal! With thanks to
Matt Knowles for sending these in....
I love footballers...they make me feel clever...
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally
on the left side.'
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won
the league.' - Mark Viduka
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' Ronnie
Whelan
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting
out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault,
but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life,
and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark
Draper
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe
we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
- Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the
week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed
on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham.
My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.'
- Ade Akinbiyi
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
- Ian Wright
'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though
I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was
my right knee.' - Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign
country.' - Ian Rush
'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on
terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
out there today.' - Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously
my right sock.' - Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know
into what religion yet.' - David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be
more European.' - Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
- Mitchell Thomas
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best
manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme
Le Saux
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done
my best.- Alan Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.
' - Johnny Giles
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
- David Beckham
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
- Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to
see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in
between.' - Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn
off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to
find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze
my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs
back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over
and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
pull on my penis......fifty times."
Silence in Court? We do not care for legal issues here, so these
quotes from a book called Disorder in the Court might raise a smile. They are
supposed to be things people said in court, word for
word, taken down by the stenographer and now published by court reporters...
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year?
A: Every year
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci
sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You
forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five,
I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five
years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
up that morning? A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ Q: And why did
that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next Morning.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A:
Yes Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And
by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height
and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The
autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check
for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy? A: No Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because
his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practising law somewhere
Q:How do u stop a man u fan from spitting A:Take him out of the
oven
School's Out The following questions
and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams....
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and
makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight
between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because
there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget there the
sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you
are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very
important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the
stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old,
so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye
to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature
death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it
to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
[He got an A]
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and
U.
Q: What does “varicose” mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people
prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show
you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean? A: Benign is
what you will be after you be eight.
Q : What is a turbine? A : Something an Arab wears on his head.
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