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David Beckham walks onto the airplane and sits down in 1st Class,
the stewardess asks him for his ticket...The stewardess then tells him that
he only has a standard ticket. Beckham says, "I’m David Beckham and I'm
flying first class." The stewardess reply’s that he only has a standard
seat to Manchester.... Beckham then retorts, "I'm David Beckham and I'm flying
first class". Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....
Beckham tells him, "I'm David Beckham and I'm flying first class.... The captain
whispers in his ear...and Beckham gets up and jumps into a seat in the standard
cabin...The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get him to move so fast..
He replied, "I told him that 1st class is not going to Manchester." Beckham,
Scholes and Phil Neville are talking after training. Scholes says: "I think
my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home
and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." Phil Neville says:
"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found
a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Beckham says: "I think Posh is having
an affair with a horse." Scholes and ugly Neville look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
THE Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday,
just before the game, when Roy Keane limps in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem.
I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection." "Hey," says Beck's. "If
he's having a new car, so am I."
DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in
the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Beck's. The
assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed,
Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys,
look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee
and a choc ice," replies David.
POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The
garage man, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides
to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents out," he says.
"Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place." So she
takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window
and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"
DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw
in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh. "You bet," says David. "It says
3 to 5 years on the box."
Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth.
Q: What would England achieve with 11 David Beckhams?
A: An average IQ.
Q: What is the difference between David Beckham and a supermarket
trolley?
A: A supermarket trolley has got a mind of its own.
POSH and Beck's are sitting in front of the television watching
the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Beck's and says: "David,
I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" To which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet
that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure
enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes
£5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't
take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the
five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe," says David.
"That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw
the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
A ManUre fan, bedecked in a red shirt, goes for a pint in The
Peacock. The place falls into silence as he comes in and orders a pint. Having
been served, he sits down at a table in the corner. A few minutes later, one
of the white shirted brethren walks over and puts a pint down on his table.
“There you go son,” said the man from the ‘home’ side.
“From all of us. Just to show that there are no hard feelings.”
“Thank you,” replies the scummer.
“No problem,” said the man in white. “We always buy a cripple
a beer.”
“But I’m not a cripple,” argues Red Scum.
“You will be if you don’t get the next round in,” promises
the Leeds Fan.
A Leeds fan is scared of dying. He becomes obsessed with death,
and consults a priest. “I could accept dying, if I knew that there was
an Elland Road in heaven,” he told the priest. “Can’t help
you son. But there’s a spiritualist down the road you could try,”
replies the priest. So he goes to see the spiritualist. They join hands, commune
and attempt to contact the other side. “I’ve got good news, very
good news, and bad news,” the spiritualist says eventually. “Yes?
Tell me more,” begs the Leeds fan. “The good news is that there
is an Elland Road in heaven. The very good news is that Don Revie is in charge
for a match against Bill Shankley’s Liverpool. Billy Bremner is captain.
3 o’clock kick off next Saturday.” “Fantastic,” says
a hugely relieved Leeds fan. “What’s the bad news?” “You’ve
got a seat reserved in the West stand.”
WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL GROUNDS.......
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus
varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard
but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention
pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the
game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely,
DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth
and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and
may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes
be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they
should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings
a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a
month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually
asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed
to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least
hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities
and will really know how to get the best out of a player
It is the year 2010 and ManUre are in the Football Conference
and they ground share with Stockport County. All the old Ferguson team have
left football.
The Neville brothers are doing a circus act as two bearded women. Jaap Stam
is a bouncer at a night club. Andy Cole is a pimp and Dwight Yorke sells cheap
porn at car boot sales. Beckham is now a cab driver working nights, as Posh
sells cosmetics in a department store by day. One night he awaits a fare outside
a casino in the centre of Manchester. It is pouring with rain,
‘In the olden days’, he thought, ‘Posh and I would have been
in there, playing the tables.’ A man comes out at 2am and walks over to
Beckham’s battered Ford Sierra minicab. “Look,” says the man,
“I’ve had an awful night. I just lost ten grand in there. I got
no cab fare home. It’s twenty miles to my place. Do me a favour son, and
I’ll see you right one day.”
“Piss off,” replies Beckham.
So the guy sets off to walk the twenty miles home. An hour later, Beckham is
taking a fare and sees the gambler walking by the road. “Loser!”
thinks Beckham and drives through a puddle, soaking the poor guy. Three months
later, the same gambler walks out of the same casino into a night of heavy rain.
This time, though, he is £20,000 up, and he has left at midnight to avoid losing
it all again. Since it is quite early, there is a long line of cabs waiting.
The gambler looks down the line of cabs, then walks up to the first car. The
driver winds down his window. “I live twenty miles from here,” the
gambler informs him. “Take me home and give me a blow job, and I’ll
give you £500.” The cabbie tells him to get stuffed, so the gambler approaches
the next taxi. “I live twenty miles from here,” the gambler informs
him. “Take me home and give me a blow job, and I’ll give you £500.”
“Fuck off,” the second cabbie tells him. The pattern is repeated
with the third cab, the fourth and so on until the gambler reaches the battered
Ford Sierra that is the twentieth minicab, driven by Beckham. “I live
twenty miles from here,” the gambler informs him. “Take me home
and I’ll give you £500.”
“Sure” says Beckham. The gambler jumps into the back, Beckham sets
off, and as they pass the long line of cabs, the gambler stares out of the window
with a huge grin on his face and raises two thumbs up to the watching cabbies.
It is the year 2050, and an 88-year-old Beckham and an 82-year-old
Posh Spice are living together in a nursing home. Although they no longer had
sex, every night Posh and Becks would lie in bed and watch TV while she held
his private parts. One night Posh returned to their room from the TV lounge
and found another spice girl resident of the nursing home, Mel C, in bed with
Beckham, watching TV and holding his private parts. "Becks", Posh cried, "Is
Mel prettier than me?" Becks replied, "No!" "Does she have a better personality?"
Becks replied, "No!" "Then please tell me what does Mel have that I don't?"
"Parkinson's disease," Becks replied.
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Report just in - Drinking cum is good for you, and contains less
than 1 calorie......
Posh spice said "I'll drink a pint of becks every day"
Posh Spice goes to the Doctor with David because he's not "firing
on all cylinders" in the bedroom.
The Doctor examines him and scratches his head..." I can't understand it
David, you are physically fit as far as I can determine, I'll need to investigate
further. I will require samples of your faeces, urine and semen".
Becks looks stunned, "wot's 'e mean Posh?"
Posh says, "Just give him a pair of your F-ing underpants Dave and lets
get out of here".
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female
whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same
time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.' They tried it and
sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.Soon however, the whales
realised the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale
was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim
after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he
realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. 'Look,' she said,
'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'
Kevin Keegan is giving his England squad the pre-match talk, when
he takes Michael Owen off to one side. "Now then Michael, lad," says the sad
Geordie bastard, "You're gonna start on the pitch but I'm gonna pull you off
at half-time." "Really," says Golden-Bollocks, "I usually only get an orange."
Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss,"
he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in
the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The
assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed,
Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys,
look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
says David. "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee
and a choc ice," replies David.
DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw
in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh. "You bet," says David. "It says
3 to 5 years on the box."
DAVID Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he
went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and
down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head
continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down.
Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope
and losing consciousness, the Woolworths' manager came along and unplugged it.
POSH and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central
London. "Where have you been?" asks the cabbie. "New York," says Beckham. "We
saw a show and did some shopping." "Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.
"Yes, one really great one." "What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the
cabbie. "Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London,"
says Beckham. The cabbie begins:"Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..." Beckham
interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant
we went to?"
Then, there are these: Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws
a pin at you? A: Run for your life... he's got a grenade in his mouth. Q: What
would David Beckham's name be if he were a Spice Girl? A: Waste of Spice. Q:
What would England achieve with 11 David Beckhams? A: An average IQ. Q: What
is the difference between David Beckham and a supermarket trolley? A: A supermarket
trolley has got a mind of its own.
POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching
the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David,
I bet you ?5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "?5,000? Done! I bet
that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure
enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes
?5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't
take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the
five o'clocknews, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe," says David. "That
money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five
o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again.
David Beckham runs in early from training one day and dashes to
the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked puffing and panting. Beck's
asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?". Posh stutters a reply "I'm er,
er.... I'm having a heart attack" "Oh no" he cries in despair "I'll call an
ambulance" he runs downstairs picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However,
he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn, "What's the matter, son"
asks Becks. "Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on daddy" sniffles
Brooklyn. Infuriated by this Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, the carpet chested Welshman is stood there starkers. "You
w**ker Giggsy!" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked scaring Brooklyn"!!!
1) "Alex goes out for dinner with some horse-racing chums. If
he has a couple of large gins before dinner, a bottle of champagne to go in,
a bottle and a half of claret with dinner, followed by a port and three large
whiskies, how many units of alcohol has he consumed?"
2) "Chris lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and
his two sons to travel to the Theatre Of Dreams every other weekend, including
limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round.
How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?"
3) "Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and
Jaap is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Jaap can run at 16mph, who
will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face
first - assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way?"
4) "Ryan is a Welshman. Express as a percentage the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to miraculous recoveries
he made for the following Saturday."
5) "Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football.
How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark: How many more than Reims?)"
6) "Phil has 30 international caps. If you take away the number
of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about
kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?"
7) "You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting
defender does a tumbling United forward have to be to earn a penalty if he goes
down in the box - Note: round you answers down to the nearest 20 metres?"
8) "David likes winning medals but is not allowed to play football
very often as he is not very good. How many games has he played per medal won?
(For one extra mark: How many team-mates' shoulders will he need to climb on
to get his carpet-bagging, idle, grinning mug in the post-match picture?)"
9 ) "Victoria has £25m squirreled away in the bank. If she gave
up being in the public eye and went to live in a remote Mongolian village, how
many people would be made very happy?"
10) "Becks has 14 Ferraris, 76 pairs of trousers, six houses,
37 international caps and two-and-a-half squillion quids worth of gaudy jewellery.
How many tricks does he have?"
11) Given the fact that Eufa changed the entire format of the
European Cup to change from a knock-out system to a league system, making it
easier for the 'big' clubs to survive the odd defeat, what were the chances
of the scum winning the European Cup if it had stayed the same?
12) How many cloggers from parks football would give away a needless
penalty deep in injury-time of a major cup competition when their team was about
to go through to the next round? Just how many brain cells have the Neville
brothers got between them?
LEEDSTY CHRISTIE SAYS: The day after watching Man.Utd vs
Liverpool,I asked my father(another MU fan),'Hey father,your team has lost!'He
said,'No problem!We will beat Leeds!'Then I said,'All right,I will beat you
first.'...
It's christmas eve, and a desolated Alex Fergusin stands atop
a multi storey, trying to pluck up the courage to jump, when he hears the sound
of sleighbells, and a hearty 'ho ho ho, what's going on here?'
'Goodness, its santa' gasps Ferguson.
'Thats right. And what are you doing here Mr ferguson?' asks the bearded one.
'Och, its the end of the line for me. Leeds are buying up the
cream of the young talent, We couldn't win at Charlton, and the scousers spanked
us at home. I'm all washed up, its time to throw myself off the roof.'
'We can't have this at christmas' says the bearded wonder. 'Tell
you what, I don't usually do this, but I'll grant you three wishes, if it'll
help to cheer you up.'
'Great. In that case, I'd like to referee all games we play, I'd
like Leeds thrown out of the league, and I'll have their squad too.'
'No sooner said than done' declares the red suited jolly boy.
But, since I've done you a favour, I'd like you to do something for me.'
'Anything' replies the now cheery scummer.
'Take your trousers off then' says Santa. Fergie does.
'Bend over' he instructs.
Fergie does, and recieves a right stuffing up the back passage from the red
faced, red suited wonder. As he's pulling up his kecks, Santa asks, 'before
I go, one more thing. How old are you?
'I'm 58' winces Fergie, sorely.
Beardy replies 'A bit old to believe in Father Christmas then
aren't you?' and staggers off grinning.
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